Monday, October 17, 2016

22 (Over S∞∞n)

I turned 22 over the weekend. As I celebrated with family and friends and friends-so-close-for-so-long they're family too, grimacing at half-hearted Taylor Swift jokes and the recent Nigerian president squabble - international studies major to the core - it felt apt to reflect on the the changes the the years and the increasing ages bring.

It might be over soon (two, two)
Where are you going to look for confirmation?
As if it's ever gonna happen.
So as I'm standing at the station,
it might be over soon.

22 feels like the true end of an era. I have 8 more years before I hit another "landmark" birthday again, whereas the previous years are interspersed with important dates every few years culminating in the big 2-1. In my personal life, 22 marks an even bigger change - college graduation and the resulting end of my time as an academic. As I transition into the "middle" section of life - full-time employment - it's met with bittersweet feelings. I'm anxiously thrilled about the prospect of shaping a career and fully dedicating my time to ideas I've always wanted to pursue, but I have also genuinely loved education and in particular these past 3.5 years of university, where I've seen myself change and grow as a person. 

All these years,
there I found you marked in constellation (two, two).
There isn't ceiling in our garden,
and then I draw an ear on you
so I can speak into the silence.
It might be over soon (two, do, two),
it might be over soon (two, two).

And yet, do we ever really change as people? I'm not talking about religious changes that fundamentally transform you as a living being, but more a question of individualism. We experience new things, meet new people, move to new places, mature as we age, and yet we are still at our core the same person; we've evolved as people yet we can never escape ourselves. As we grow older we shape and push ourselves into a mold of our ideal selves, we understand ourselves more, we know more about who we are. It's always been a strange thought to me, that we aren't born with self-awareness but we must go through our whole lives trying to "find" ourselves, to "know" ourselves, and we often don't like what we find. We don't innately know our own limits or what we're comfortable with until we search for it.

And I'm gonna shout all my trouble over.
Oh, and I have carried consecration.
And then you expelled all decision.
As I may stand up with a vision,
caught daylight, g**damn right.
Within a rise there lies a scission,
it might be over soon.

As I've aged and matured, I've grown more comfortable with myself. As a teenager I would fight with myself to fit into a mold of someone I thought I wanted to be and to adhere to self-imposed restrictions that would convert the present reality of me with the coveted future version. And slowly slowly slowly over the years I threw away the unnecessary changes, the things I would never be, the concepts that contradicted what I could be. I can't claim to be 100% always content with where I am or where I'm headed, but I'm more sure of myself than I've ever been.
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